So after asking for some recommendations, it seems Wells Fargo has the most branches in the area. So I check out their website and hey cool you can apply for a checking account online -- This is important as we can't just casually fly from Honolulu to Denver to open a checking account, and we'd prefer to have the account already open so that our rent payment can be coming from that account.
My first step is I decide to call and ask if I can open a local checking account but use my Hawaii address (after all, we haven't moved yet and I don't know what our new address will be). Visiting the website, my first instinct is to email them. Ah, but, "You can only email us if you have an account with us!" Ok, well the 1-800 number should work right? I call it up and listen to the message and press 2... then press 3... then it says to continue I need to enter my account number. Weeeeell I don't have one, that's why I'm calling you. So I hang up, and start over, this time pressing 0 right off the bat to just speak to someone. Pressing 0 takes me back to the "enter your account number" question. Awesome. I can't call you to even ask a question about opening an account?
So I outsmart the phone system and open up Google, typing in "wells fargo 80027". HA! I beat you technology. This quickly gives me the number for the local branch where, you know, people answer. I find out what I want to do is possible and go back to the website. I get about halfway through filling out the application (and this is quite a detailed application) and realize I don't have my wife's driver's license number and expiration date memorized. So I cancel where I'm at and figure I'll take care of it at home that night.
Later on, at home, I begin the process of filling out (again) tons of information in the online application. With that out of the way, I can finally click "Continue" for the first time. It tells me I need a minimum of $100 to open a checking account and a minimum of $100 to open a savings account (otherwise there is a $3/mo fee). I don't want to open a savings account and I certainly don't want a $3/mo fee; why are you forcing me to open a savings account?
In another browser window I open up the advertisement page for the checking account details. "Oh I see... you have to open a combined checking and savings account to get this package." I don't want another savings account. ING already has us covered. How do I change this? "Oh awesome you can't change which account type you're opening after you've started the process so I need to completely trash this application and start all over for a different account type...."
So I began the process of filling out the application for the third time. This is starting to get dumb.
I actually make it all the way through the process. It asks me at the end how I want to fund the initial deposit to open the account. Now, mind you, anything less than a $1000 daily balance is subject to a $5 fee. I'm pleasantly surprised to see I can open a checking account by billing it to my credit card. Nice, how "easy" can it get? Wrong. There's a $500 max limit when using a CC for your initial deposit. Worthless. Ok so fine, I'll do this the old fashion way and mail you a check.
Next.... Next... OK Confirm... DONE!
I'm then greeted with a page letting me know I've been provisionally accepted and I see an email pops up with an exact copy of the page I'm looking at (gee ain't that helpful). And then I find this gem...
"Once your account is approved and we receive/process your opening deposit check, then"And I think to myself, "you know, where exactly am I supposed to send that check which is my opening deposit?" Funny thing that, because it doesn't actually say anywhere on this page. So I check the email. Nope.
Dare I try that stupid phone menu again? Ok we'll give it a shot. So I fire up the 1-800 number. Same stupid menu. I try it again. Same thing, "enter you account number". About this time I'm starting to get kinda mad so I just start pushing buttons. Amazingly doing this I get in response "now transferring you to a customer service representative". Ah well had I just known that mashing buttons would let me speak to someone I would have done that from the get go.
Little music on hold and.... person! So I ask my question, "where do I send this?" She asks me a bunch of questions then concludes she can't help me. She says, "let me connect you to a product specialist." Ok, didn't think it would be that difficult but whatever. So the "product specialist" comes on and acts like she knows what's going on, starts trying to get me to open an account. No surprise I have to completely re-explain the whole thing all over again and ask my basic question: "I opened an account online, where do I mail the initial deposit check to?" Then she goes, "I'm going to need to get some more details, can I put you on hold?" Well of course you can, what else am I going to do?
I sit on hold for about 5 minutes listening to this dorky music when I hear it... or rather don't hear it. The line hangs up.
AWESOME
Now I'm mad. So I go back to the opening account email and I got and write a simple message, "Can I cancel this account? I no longer want it to be open." Hit send.
Seconds later I receive a reply...
The original message was received at Wed, 21 Apr 2010 00:17:27 -0700
from mail-qy0-f181.google.com [209.85.221.181]
----- The following addresses had permanent fatal errors -----
<MyWellsfargo@wellsfargo.com>
(reason: 550 5.1.1 <MyWellsfargo@wellsfargo.com>.
----- Transcript of session follows -----
... while talking to mxa10.wellsfargo.com.:
>>> DATA
<<< 550 5.1.1 <MyWellsfargo@wellsfargo.com>.
550 5.1.1 <MyWellsfargo@wellsfargo.com>.
<<< 503 5.0.0 Need RCPT (recipient)
Final-Recipient: RFC822; MyWellsfargo@wellsfargo.com
Action: failed
Status: 5.1.1
Remote-MTA: DNS; mxa10.wellsfargo.com
Diagnostic-Code: SMTP; 550 5.1.1 <MyWellsfargo@wellsfargo.com>.
Last-Attempt-Date: Wed, 21 Apr 2010 00:17:28 -0700
User Unknown!?!?! USER UNKNOWN!?!?!? ARE YOU THE WORST CUSTOMER SERVICE BANK EVER!?!?!? Your new account emails don't even come from a legit email address!?!?!
Needless to say, we won't be banking with Wells Fargo... EVER
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